The Ex Chronicles (Part 1)

Ex Number 1: Cupcake

What can I say about him? He was my first love. I had just turned 17 and love was something I had wanted, but wasn't looking for. He was everything I wanted at the time. He was intelligent, funny, and very smooth. Yet, the qualities that kept me around weren't any of them. On top of all that he was, dark, cocky, needy but not to the point that it was annoying, and he was the shot of adrenaline I needed. He was an 18 year old brooding, smoothing talking, complicated dream. I was 8 days into 17. I had no wall built around my heart. No hangs ups about love or no preconceived notions of what love should be. I fell fast and hard. It quickly became a long distance relationship. Hours, upon hours spent on the phone. Never talking for less than 5 hours at a time. 14 hours being our record. Calling him in the middle of the night...sneaking out my window to sit in my mom's car, or on warm nights, lay on the trampoline and talk to him. We talked about everything and anything. I felt safe with him, but there was still that feeling of...my wold could be turned upside down any minute. That never knowing what was around the corner kept me hanging on every word he said. It was this addiction to him that I developed pretty damn early in the relationship (and spilled over even after we ended). We dated for 2 years. Being that young, the distance, plus him being dangerously beautiful made for a molotov cocktail of sexual frustration. Needless to say, phone sex was a big part of our talks. Sex in general was a big part of us. We never had it, but we talked about it all the time. Sex seemed to be second nature to him and in turn I learned to have it be second nature to me. He allowed me to explore that side of me and not feel ashamed. Sex and talking about sex was his way or showing he cared. I didn't care, he was showing me attention. (attention I would soon crave more and more.) I was too addicted him. I became what he wanted. (because this was my first real relationship whether I liked it or not it helped form me for relationships to come.) We talked about our life together. He wanted me. Me and only me. I was the only girl he ever needed. I loved him. God, I loved him. He was exactly what I needed. I believed him when he said, "forever" (First loves, gotta love them).

Things seemed great...until he vanished. No email. No phone call. Nothing. Just.....vanished. I couldn't get a hold of him. I tried everything. The first month he was gone it was horrible. I thought something had happened to him. What if he was hurt? What if he was in an accident? My mind envisioned horrid things. Sleep was an after thought. I was sick to my stomach with worry. Hell, the whole time he was gone that worry never really went away. The 3rd month came and at that point I was starting to fall apart. I went from missing him to wondering. I used to wonder what the name of the girl was and why he couldn't just tell me. Was she prettier than I was? Was I that easy to just forget? What did I do wrong? Was I really just another girl? I felt so stupid. How could I let myself fall for him? I had abandonment issues. He knew that. My biggest fear was that people would just walk out on me. I never thought he would, though. So when he vanished....those issues, thoughts, feelings, fears, they all manifested in a ways that almost killed me. Month 4 came and on top of all the insecurities that I had developed anger grew. I had never felt more used than I had after those 4 months. At the tail end of those months I began taking to someone. A guy. He was a friend. At least that's how it started. He was there to listen to me cry and he stuck around for the insanity that inevitably came from Cupcake vanishing. (Later this guy would become a rebound that lasted... 1 year and a half. His tale is next).

My Cupcake finally showed up 4 fucking months later. By this point I never thought I'd hear from him again. So there was the shock factor. After that I felt this sigh of relief knowing he was safe. But I'll be damned if the anger wasn't there. So much pain and anger had built a wall around my heart. I wasn't the same girl. I wanted answers and he...couldn't give them to me. What happened? Where was he? Oh, I got my answers. He was in an accident. He was hurt...blah. blah.blah I wasn't stupid I knew he was lying to me. They were horrible lies. Somewhere in the back of his head I think he forgot just HOW well I knew him. I knew (know) this guy like the back of my hand. It probably would have been easier to call him on his shit, but I figured if he couldn't respect me enough to tell me the truth...then I don't really want to force it out of him. The pain grew worse with every lie. Didn't I mean more to him than this? Lies. If he was lying to me this hard, I could only imagine the truth. I was done. The anger spilled out and the fighting began. The worse part was he wanted to just pick up like nothing had happened. When he realized I wouldn't do that...he began blaming me. It was my fault. I was a horrible person for not waiting. Then he found out about the guy I was talking to (we weren't dating at this point). He never came out and said it, but he sure danced around the words, whore and slut. Cupcake, unleashed on me. Somehow this was all my fault. He had nothing to do with it. How could I do this to him? I never loved him. I was nothing. All those lovely words just made me more angry and hurt me so bad I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him to leave.

...and just like that we were done. I missed him. I still loved him. The grieving lasted years. Hell, we never really broke up. We never had that, "end talk/fight". We didn't talk for...years. Then one day we ran into each other online. Enough years had gone by, so I thought we could giving talking a try. He seemed happy. He was with another girl and had a baby. At first it was awkward, but quickly we fell into our routine. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but we both realized just how much we both still cared/loved each other. That addiction never went away. I found myself wanting him again. He was still that drug. He knew what to say to me. How to make me feel like it was just him and I. The world didn't exist. I wasn't with anyone at the time and getting my fix from him was easy. He showered me with the attention I needed. As nice as it was hearing him tell me just how much he loved me. How in the end I was the only girl that mattered. I couldn't be that girl. I refused to come between him and the girl he was with. Hell, he was married with a daughter. I'm not a home wrecker. So I did what needed to be done. I backed away. It wasn't until later after him and her broke up that he told me that he would have left her for me. That's a lot to take in. A total of 10 years have gone by since him and I ended. It's hard but 10 years later and I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still wonder why. I finally did get the answer I wanted all those years ago. He told me the truth why he vanished on me. Where he was. There wasn't another girl. I would have thought that knowing that would have been easier. It wasn't. After he told me, all I could think was, "Did you think so little of me to think that I would judge you? That I would stop loving you because of it?" At the end of the day it was his pride that cost him the relationship. I would have never thought less of him. I loved him too much for that. I would have forgave him anything, but lying...I couldn't. Especially when it was him just covering his own ass and not giving me credit enough to love him and stand by him. I'm even amazed and how much of that pain is still there.

Well, there it is. Part one done. For fuck sake, this took a lot out of me. I need a drink. That pain and hurt I bury so deep and all this did was bring it out. I suppose I need to if I'm ever going to figure out how to get past it. I don't even think he knows just how bad he scared me. Hell, for the longest time I thought that the only way guys showed they cared was to be sexual with me (thank God, I never became a slut. It would have been so easy to. I just have more respect for myself than that.). So, I became a huge tease. It's what I'm good at. He taught me to play my roll well.