St. Alice of (my) Insanity

Alice has become my Patron Saint of Insanity. I pray to her nightly.

Alice, give me the strength to decipher all the voices in my head. Grant me courage to face all the maddening memories that wander aimlessly through my mind. Once upon a time I was sane. I quickly learned sanity is overrated (Thank the March Hare for that).  Give me the stamina to keep chasing the White Rabbit down this wretched hole. There are answers on the other side that will quench my curiosities, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" "Who.Are.You?" Please, Dear Alice, guide me through the Valley of the Red Queen. Allow me to keep my head as I steal the freshly painted roses. Send the grinning moon to light my way through the garden where stars twinkle in tea pots made of sugar and madness. Sweet Alice, sometimes perfect is too perfect. I've lost my hat some where in the Garden. I'm going sane. The Dormouse won't speak to me. "Twinkle, Twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!" Amen.

...hush little mind, don't you cry

I feel like my mind has been way to idle for it's own good lately. Keeping busy is my goal through out the day. Anything and everything I can think of to do, I do. Clean. Laundry. Workout.

Music has become a huge part of my life these past weeks. Music has helped save the sanity I have left. There are certain songs I seem to gravitate to as of late; Adele's Someone Like You, Will Hoge's Favorite Waste Of Time, Sick Puppies' All the Same and Shinedown's Shed Some Light. I have no idea what my head would be like without those amazing songs. I don't really know if I would want to find out what my mind would be like. They've become a lullaby for my insanity. Gotta love it!

The Rope That Leads Me Out Of Wonderland

Here I've been writing all about ex's. Dredging up old memories and feelings that should stay where they are. I think it's time I pay proper respect to the guy that has stood by my side through all this recent madness. I've been with Cody for about 5 years now. Wow, every time I think about it I realize just how long that is. It's easily my longest relationship.

I first met Cody when I was 22. He was dating my best friend at the time. They had been together (I believe) 3 years. It was an odd night. He was so quiet and didn't really look at me. Well except when we had a very heated discussion about my love and his hate for Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi. (He was so checking me out at that moment.) I felt like a 3rd wheel hanging out with them. Plus I had a lot on my mind with Dark. I remember thinking he was cute and just having this strange feeling about him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something about him. Time went by and her and him broke up. This is where things get a little hazy. Ok, they don't get hazy but I HATE reliving the awkward strangeness that was us getting together. Basically I found him online and I like to think of myself as a, Super Secret Sexy Ninja Spy. I was sent to get some intel and in the process began to like him. It was wrong on so many levels. I was an assassin that fell for her target. Cody was a fun, down to earth, kind hearten guy. He was intelligent without being a snob. Cared more about others than himself. Not to mention he had a darkside that made that side of me sit up and take notice. I still remember one of our first conversations...we talked ALL day and night. I think we took a hour break, but I know either of us slept. I began to want him. I could feel that lust side of me peeking her head out. She wanted to play. I haven't had a chance to get her out since....well honestly since Cupcake. Cupcake did train me well, so I fell back into being that girl. That tease. That...fantasy. I was ready to be what Cody wanted me to be. There was a problem with that, though. He didn't want me to be some fantasy. He wanted me to be me. This was a problem for me. I wasn't use to guys wanting just me for ME. It was easier for me to play that role that I'm so good at. Yet, here he was taking all that away from me. I felt...naked.

He was younger than I was. He was 21, but he was actually the most mature guy I ever dated. After the hours upon hours of talking on the phone we finally met up. He lived about 2 hours away. Ooooh that day was fun. I remember him picking me up and when he looked at me all he said was, "Get in the fucking car." He smiled so genuinely when he said it and that's when I knew. I was staying at my uncle's for the weekend. We went there. The fucking key wouldn't work. I tried and tried. He stood there looking at me. There I stood with my head hanging. He takes the fucking key and with one turn, unlocks the door. For his achievement he wanted a kiss. There it was. Our first kiss on my uncle's door step and it couldn't have been more perfect. That night is kind of a blur to him and for me as well. It was our first time...together. I remember a lot of making out. We went to sleep and I couldn't sleep. Sitting at the edge of the bed, I remember looking at him and smiling. It all made sense at that moment. I walked upstairs and called my friend (his ex). Frantically I was running around the house because I had misplaced the house key. Not only that but I had finally had time to let it all sink in. I remember sitting on the floor in the kitchen..my back against the wall thinking, "He's....too good to be true." There was no way it could get better than this. It was too much. He was too perfect. I refused to let this relationship go any further. He would be a "one night stand" in a manner of speaking (though we didn't have sex). We spent the entire next day together. I wanted to tell him to leave. I wanted to have him go before I found something wrong with him...before my perfect night became ruined. My perfect night became a perfect day. We laid around on the couch and watched movies. Cuddling. Fucking cuddling. He ordered a pizza and we watched movies. I could feel this pain deep inside and at the time I didn't know what it was. Looking back it was all that walls I had built beginning to crack. He was good for me. He was the opposite of any guy I have never liked or loved.

The distance thing sucked. He was going to school/lived 2 hours from me. We used to get together on the weekends. Those weekends were fun. It was full on lust and love. We are both very sexual and not seeing each other for a week, sometimes 2...yeah. Things started to fall apart for me at home and Cody asked me to live with him. Living with someone is a horse of a different color. You really get to see what a person is truly like. This was our first make or break moment. It was hard. We fought a lot and mainly because of me. All my issues started to manifest themselves. I was constantly pushing him. Finding his breaking point was fun for me. I knew he would leave me. Why wouldn't he? They all leave. My abandonment issues were running wild and not even I could control them. I must have packed hundreds of times within that first year. Always threatening to leave just because I wanted him to beg me to stay. He did. Always begging me to stay. Doing everything in his power to calm me down. Until one day...I pulled my typical shit and packed. I was waiting for him to start asking me to stay. He didn't. He looked at me and said, "If you want to leave then leave. I'm tired of begging you to say. I don't want you to leave. I love you, but do what you have to do" That shocked me. Looking at his face I could see all the damage. All the stress I had caused. I put this poor guy through more trials and tests than any human should have to go through. The funny part though, he passed everyone of them. He loved me unconditionally and I realized that I loved him like that as well. I told him things I never told any other person because he cared. I felt my walls falling. I stood before him defenseless. Fragile. Vulnerable. For the first time since Cupcake I was in love without walls. This gave me the opportunity to love Cody on the same level that I loved Cupcake. Unconditionally.

Cut to years later. Here we are 5 years out. I still love him as much as I did then, even more so. He is the best thing in my life. He's the most understanding, caring, loving, person I've ever known. I never want(ed) to hurt him in anyway, but I did. I thought moving in together was a make or break moment....that was nothing compared to the shit I pulled. I hurt him in ways I never thought I could. That addiction that I have for Cupcake reared it's head and almost cost me everything. Thinking and writing about this is hard. What it boils down to is...when shit hit the fan and when I was called out on MY shit I fell apart. Now, HE should have been the one to freak and walk out on me, or make me feel like shit. He didn't. He comforted ME. WTF? Seriously? Yeah, he was angry. Course we fought. More than anger he was hurt. Crushed that I would do that to him. I can't blame him. We fought for what seemed like days, but he always loved me. It was that love that made him fight so hard. He was fighting with me, but more importantly he was fighting for me. He was fighting to show me all the love he has for me. He bared his soul. His heart. He stood before me with no defenses. Nothing to protect him from all the pain I was causing him. Yet, no matter how much he was hurting when I was broken in that moment...when I felt like I was dying...this guy put his shit aside and sat with me. He let me cry and held me the whole time. Who the fuck does that when they are the ones that should be hurt? I've never had a guy put my needs before theirs I've never had a guy worry more about my well being, my emotions than their own. He's amazing. He truly does love me unconditionally.

At the end of the day what it boils down to is, I have never had more fun with someone like I do with him. He is such the opposite of who I am. The balance we bring to each other is odd. Laughter is big with us. I love the way he makes me laugh and smile when I don't want to. Cody has saved me more times than... His love has pulled me off the ledge and held me down. With him I have learned to overcome so much. I've become a different person with him. A more mature person. I've left behind all the games. All the bullshit. There is so much baggage I have learned to let go because of him. He's taught me how to stand on my own. He doesn't need me for anything but love and that's all I need him for. We are with each other because we want to be, not because we have to be. That's...new to me. He doesn't cling. I don't cling to him. For the first time I have someone that is part of my world, but isn't my whole world. We don't need each other to breathe, but we breathe a little deeper because of each other. He saved me in ways I can never thank him for. Cody had spent the better part of our first year or so together putting ME back together. There are no words for what he has done (and does do) for me. I love him. I'm grateful for him. I appreciate him.

And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears 

Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

The Ex Chronicles (Part 2)

This week has been enough to drive me insane. On that note let's get going on part 2.

Ex Number 2: Dark


I think it's funny how as I'm getting ready to write this and Evanescence's My Immortal comes on. That song was what I listened to everyday when things started going south with him and I. It's kind of...poetic.

Dark. He was a down to earth. No nonsense, hardcore, Jack drinkin' bad boy. But he was also as fiercely loyal and as kind hearten as they come. I met Dark when I was 19. He was older by a few years. When him and I started talking I was in the middle of a lot of shit in my life (see last entry). Between things with my ex (?) and things that were going on at home I was pretty lost. I was looking for anything to hold on to just to know I wasn't crazy. He was that rock that I leaned on. Dark always listened to what I had to say and he never made it all about him (yet). With him I never over romanticized anything. He was real. There was no addiction, not in the way there was with Cupcake. With Dark there was never intention for any kind of relationship. I was content being friends. Hell, that's what I needed. He himself was just coming off of a not so great relationship. He was still hung up on a girl and I was still hung up on a guy. So naturally we fell in love, right? It was a gradual thing. We bonded over our fucked up lives. I was broken. He was broken. It was beautiful. I actually don't remember just how the friendship turned that corner. We used to spend countless hours on the phone. It was fun. I'd drink WAY too much. He'd drink WAY too much. It was....flawed brilliance. I may not know how the friendship made that turn, but I remember when it really became a relationship. We were on the phone one night and he seemed different. He was laughing a lot and seemed unsure. I always hated being hung up on. We use to do it to each other a lot. I think he had hung up on me 2 times that night. I told him, "If you hang up on me one more fucking time don't call back because I won't answer." He went back to his laughing. Finally I just asked, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He laughed and said..."Hey, Drea...I love you." Then he hung up. I really didn't think much of it. I was more pissed he hung up. Then a light went on in my head, "Why would he tell me he loves me and han...Oh, shit!!" That's what I said out loud. We would always say things like, "luv ya." Never was it, "love YOU." I felt myself go...numb. My heart started to race faster and faster (thinking about it again still makes my heart race). At that moment I turned into a giddy little school girl. I was trying not to read into what he said, but I couldn't help it. The phone rang and I knew it was him. I had no idea what to do. I didn't answer. He loved me. If I loved him I knew there was no going back to what we had.  Did I love him? Could I love him? Yeah. I did. I could. The phone rang again. I answered and I could hear the uncertainty in his voice. His thoughts were almost too loud to ignore, "Should I have said that? Did I cross a line? Does she love me?" I acted like I had no idea what was going on. In some ways that put him at ease. I bitched at him for hanging up on me. He laughed and said, "I thought you weren't going to answer if I called back?". Then he said, "So. Did you hear me?" "Yeah, I heard you. You love me. You really love me? "I said it didn't I?" I love you, too" ...and that was that.

We were inseparable. We were annoyingly cute but we didn't care. Mutual friend would say how we just seemed to, "suite" each other. If they only knew the half of it. Dark was a pitbull. His bite was definitely worse than his bark. So he had a bit of a rep, but with me...he was a puppy. Loyal. This kid was loyal beyond anyone I had EVER known. If you were his friend he would give you the shirt off his back and then some. He would never think twice about taking my side in anything. I loved that about him. I needed that. I needed that safety. Never did I question his feelings for me (not til the end, and even then I think deep down I knew). He never sugar coated anything for me. Dark was brutally honest but in a sweet way. There were plenty of times that he would call me on my bullshit and put me in my place. He didn't play games. I wasn't in "high school" anymore. Damn I found that sexy. Do you know what else I found sexy? His pain. The anger and pain he had inside him....fuck. That's what kept us together. Pain. Hurt. Anger. Love. Dark had a lot of issues. Like me, his dad was never around. He had relationship issues. He loved to drink. We both combined had more issues than any two people in a relationship should have. I didn't care. I loved him, but I didn't make it easy for him. I made him work for it. My heart was in pieces when he came around. I never really moved past Cupcake. The love Dark and I had was always a struggle (I sometimes think that our issues were just too heavy for us to handle). It felt right, but we argued a lot. I pushed him to the point that he was ready to just walk away a lot. In all honesty, I don't know why he didn't. I guess that was the power we had over each other. We had this uncanny way of talking each other off the ledge. Looking back, it's kind of fucked up. One of us was ALWAYS on the ledge ready to jump for whatever reason.

A friend of ours would always point out how dangerously co-dependent we were. It made me laugh, "We aren't co-dependent.", but we were. It was painfully obvious, we just didn't care. It was him and I against the world and the world owed us everything. Looking back, we both had huge chips on our shoulders. No one could touch us. So when you have such a massive wall around your relationship and no one can get in, what happens? I'll tell you. You implode, and we did. Sometimes I think we were both too broken to work. I could never truly fix him when I couldn't even support my own weight and vise versa. His life was falling apart and he wanted a break. Too bad that break included me. At this point we were on thin ice enough as it was. I had become that girl you go to when you've had too much to drink. That was the only time he seemed to call. It was the only time he seemed to be able to tell me he loved me. His pain was greater than mine, or at least that's how he made it out to be. Things were becoming about him. Looking back I don't think he even realized it. He stopped wanting to help me, but expected me to keep propping him up. I didn't realize it at the time, but this was when I lost him. This was the moment it ended, neither of us just didn't to let go. During the break he was still calling me. We were still "together" when we shouldn't be. We were together...when we were drunk. Then out of the blue (or at least that's how it felt to me) he met someone. They were, "friends". He liked her I could tell. I was crushed. All those old questions came rushing back, "What did I do? Was I that easy to replace? Was I not good enough?" The hardest part? I became a revolving door for him. When he wanted me he strolled back in. Even when things were getting serious with her, I was still that girl. I was still being told, "I love you", granted it was through intoxicated lips. Didn't care. He was still saying it and that gave me hope. Quickly we became friends again. I didn't want to be friends. It fucking killed me, but it made him happy. Soon the, I love you's stopped and I knew she was the one he wanted. Dark just assumed that I was cool with all of it. Could be because I said I was. There was no way I was going to let him know just how bad I hurt. Hearing him talk about marrying her and finding out she was going to have his baby....I can still feel the anger in my throat.

A year and a half we were together "officially". In the end all the hard work I did trying to fix him paid off, just not for me. Though the pain was there I still pushed to be there for him as a friend. Getting over him wasn't easy. Years. Constant venting to friends like Steph and Ts. Dark has gotten me through some hard times. He's been there as a friend to me as well. He, for the longest time was my biggest cheerleader (he refused to wear the skirt though.). If anything he became my greatest muse. I wrote more about the relationship with him than I ever have with anyone else. Some of my best poems I wrote because of him. He was always that devil on my shoulder leading my ass to the edge, but never letting me jump. Did I love him? Yes. More than anything, I'm grateful for him because he was there for me when I had no one.

...and on that note we end like we started. Evanescence. That was our band. Their songs were our soundtrack.

...and I dub thee unforgiven

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk.  If you twist it into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator.  Forgiving seems almost unnatural.  Our sense of fairness tells us people should pay for the wrong they do.  But forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule.  ~Lewis B. Smedes

The Ex Chronicles (Part 1)

Ex Number 1: Cupcake

What can I say about him? He was my first love. I had just turned 17 and love was something I had wanted, but wasn't looking for. He was everything I wanted at the time. He was intelligent, funny, and very smooth. Yet, the qualities that kept me around weren't any of them. On top of all that he was, dark, cocky, needy but not to the point that it was annoying, and he was the shot of adrenaline I needed. He was an 18 year old brooding, smoothing talking, complicated dream. I was 8 days into 17. I had no wall built around my heart. No hangs ups about love or no preconceived notions of what love should be. I fell fast and hard. It quickly became a long distance relationship. Hours, upon hours spent on the phone. Never talking for less than 5 hours at a time. 14 hours being our record. Calling him in the middle of the night...sneaking out my window to sit in my mom's car, or on warm nights, lay on the trampoline and talk to him. We talked about everything and anything. I felt safe with him, but there was still that feeling of...my wold could be turned upside down any minute. That never knowing what was around the corner kept me hanging on every word he said. It was this addiction to him that I developed pretty damn early in the relationship (and spilled over even after we ended). We dated for 2 years. Being that young, the distance, plus him being dangerously beautiful made for a molotov cocktail of sexual frustration. Needless to say, phone sex was a big part of our talks. Sex in general was a big part of us. We never had it, but we talked about it all the time. Sex seemed to be second nature to him and in turn I learned to have it be second nature to me. He allowed me to explore that side of me and not feel ashamed. Sex and talking about sex was his way or showing he cared. I didn't care, he was showing me attention. (attention I would soon crave more and more.) I was too addicted him. I became what he wanted. (because this was my first real relationship whether I liked it or not it helped form me for relationships to come.) We talked about our life together. He wanted me. Me and only me. I was the only girl he ever needed. I loved him. God, I loved him. He was exactly what I needed. I believed him when he said, "forever" (First loves, gotta love them).

Things seemed great...until he vanished. No email. No phone call. Nothing. Just.....vanished. I couldn't get a hold of him. I tried everything. The first month he was gone it was horrible. I thought something had happened to him. What if he was hurt? What if he was in an accident? My mind envisioned horrid things. Sleep was an after thought. I was sick to my stomach with worry. Hell, the whole time he was gone that worry never really went away. The 3rd month came and at that point I was starting to fall apart. I went from missing him to wondering. I used to wonder what the name of the girl was and why he couldn't just tell me. Was she prettier than I was? Was I that easy to just forget? What did I do wrong? Was I really just another girl? I felt so stupid. How could I let myself fall for him? I had abandonment issues. He knew that. My biggest fear was that people would just walk out on me. I never thought he would, though. So when he vanished....those issues, thoughts, feelings, fears, they all manifested in a ways that almost killed me. Month 4 came and on top of all the insecurities that I had developed anger grew. I had never felt more used than I had after those 4 months. At the tail end of those months I began taking to someone. A guy. He was a friend. At least that's how it started. He was there to listen to me cry and he stuck around for the insanity that inevitably came from Cupcake vanishing. (Later this guy would become a rebound that lasted... 1 year and a half. His tale is next).

My Cupcake finally showed up 4 fucking months later. By this point I never thought I'd hear from him again. So there was the shock factor. After that I felt this sigh of relief knowing he was safe. But I'll be damned if the anger wasn't there. So much pain and anger had built a wall around my heart. I wasn't the same girl. I wanted answers and he...couldn't give them to me. What happened? Where was he? Oh, I got my answers. He was in an accident. He was hurt...blah. blah.blah I wasn't stupid I knew he was lying to me. They were horrible lies. Somewhere in the back of his head I think he forgot just HOW well I knew him. I knew (know) this guy like the back of my hand. It probably would have been easier to call him on his shit, but I figured if he couldn't respect me enough to tell me the truth...then I don't really want to force it out of him. The pain grew worse with every lie. Didn't I mean more to him than this? Lies. If he was lying to me this hard, I could only imagine the truth. I was done. The anger spilled out and the fighting began. The worse part was he wanted to just pick up like nothing had happened. When he realized I wouldn't do that...he began blaming me. It was my fault. I was a horrible person for not waiting. Then he found out about the guy I was talking to (we weren't dating at this point). He never came out and said it, but he sure danced around the words, whore and slut. Cupcake, unleashed on me. Somehow this was all my fault. He had nothing to do with it. How could I do this to him? I never loved him. I was nothing. All those lovely words just made me more angry and hurt me so bad I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him to leave.

...and just like that we were done. I missed him. I still loved him. The grieving lasted years. Hell, we never really broke up. We never had that, "end talk/fight". We didn't talk for...years. Then one day we ran into each other online. Enough years had gone by, so I thought we could giving talking a try. He seemed happy. He was with another girl and had a baby. At first it was awkward, but quickly we fell into our routine. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but we both realized just how much we both still cared/loved each other. That addiction never went away. I found myself wanting him again. He was still that drug. He knew what to say to me. How to make me feel like it was just him and I. The world didn't exist. I wasn't with anyone at the time and getting my fix from him was easy. He showered me with the attention I needed. As nice as it was hearing him tell me just how much he loved me. How in the end I was the only girl that mattered. I couldn't be that girl. I refused to come between him and the girl he was with. Hell, he was married with a daughter. I'm not a home wrecker. So I did what needed to be done. I backed away. It wasn't until later after him and her broke up that he told me that he would have left her for me. That's a lot to take in. A total of 10 years have gone by since him and I ended. It's hard but 10 years later and I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still wonder why. I finally did get the answer I wanted all those years ago. He told me the truth why he vanished on me. Where he was. There wasn't another girl. I would have thought that knowing that would have been easier. It wasn't. After he told me, all I could think was, "Did you think so little of me to think that I would judge you? That I would stop loving you because of it?" At the end of the day it was his pride that cost him the relationship. I would have never thought less of him. I loved him too much for that. I would have forgave him anything, but lying...I couldn't. Especially when it was him just covering his own ass and not giving me credit enough to love him and stand by him. I'm even amazed and how much of that pain is still there.

Well, there it is. Part one done. For fuck sake, this took a lot out of me. I need a drink. That pain and hurt I bury so deep and all this did was bring it out. I suppose I need to if I'm ever going to figure out how to get past it. I don't even think he knows just how bad he scared me. Hell, for the longest time I thought that the only way guys showed they cared was to be sexual with me (thank God, I never became a slut. It would have been so easy to. I just have more respect for myself than that.). So, I became a huge tease. It's what I'm good at. He taught me to play my roll well.

You Don't Know What You're...

...power has done to me. I want to know if I'll heal this time.

The past few days have been some of my more stressful. The past has come back to haunt me more than ever. "An ex should stay an ex.", this coming from an ex of mine as he spoke about another ex of mine. I'm not an idiot, I know ex's are ex's for a reason.

Is it funny that both my ex's have the same name? I have names for them. Cupcake and Dark. Boy, those are two extremes for two guys that in a lot of ways are the same.

Somewhere in my head I thought it was only natural to stay friends with your ex's. I've had plenty of people tell me that it would "never work", and that you can never truly heal and move on as long as they are around. Do you know what I said to that?...Pffft.  That's right, I scoff at the idea that you can't be friends with your ex's. Course you can be friends with them. It shows how mature you are and how well adjusted you are, right? Bullshit! All it does is bring up memories that for all intensive purposes should have been dealt with already. Now I know why people thought I was mad to even attempt this. They just mean so much to me.

I feel a long entry coming on. Time to relive memories I never thought I would. Good. Bad. The Ex's Chronicles.